November 20, 2010

being a cardiac patient

So literally my last post was Sunday, November 14th and an hour later I was a mess. I know I am not the only person in the world to have heart issues, but some days it gets very old. Yes, I have a pacemaker and I am 37 years old. I haven't thought of it in months and then last Sunday, God made sure I remembered how quickly my pacemaker does not mean I don't have other issues. Getting ready for church I started to feel very sick and a few minutes later I was calling my mom saying something is not right and then in a flash my living room was filled with paramedics. While I got in the ambulance I thought briefly to myself, "Why must it always be cold when I have to get in an ambulance?" So I've done this a few times and I am positive that it has never been warm one single time. Of all the things to remember when you are getting in an ambulance I remember that stuff. Things like, "Are my kids with someone?" come to mind, but I know someone else has already thought of that and that will be fine. I assume I think of random things just so I don't get too freaked out. I would love to say that I'm not scared, but that would be a lie. Who wouldn't be scared? I always know it has something to do with my heart and I need a heart that functions on a regular basis. I like things planned and set up. I like to be prepared and my crazy heart messes that up every chance it gets. Just when I feel strong I get turned upside down and then comes the cardio-vert machine. Drives me crazy, not to mention very sore afterwards. I know the look in my husbands eyes when all these things happen and I hate it. I joke with him and say maybe he should be asking for the vercet, medication they give me to forget what is going on when they have to reset my heart. I only wish that was really the case for him. I love that my mom is so knowledgeable about medical stuff, but I wish her knowledge would not scare her. She knows what really bad looks like in the hospital and I hate to scare her when I have episodes. I wish I didn't make life hard for the people I love.

So here's the thing: I guess if God can use this Puerto Rican, Pacemaker, Princess to keep everyone on their toes I will let Him.

November 14, 2010

Did I say that?

When I speak it as though it is so, I really freak myself out. Getting use to doing this is more than difficult. In some ways I have trained myself to settle for less, because I would have to change to much to achieve this or that. I am working on a goal and I am getting frustrated that it is not coming easy, so I go do something that I know I am good at like moving furniture and decorating and redecorating. I guess it is some sort of escape. I see fear creeping up and I get mad, but I still do the easier thing. Just admitting it as I write makes me mad. I want to believe that I am not easily swayed. I want to believe that I am stronger than a few NO's.

So here is my list of things I say as though it is so:
I am walking in the Spirit everyday.
I am able to see opportunity and jump on it.
I am determined.
I am hopeful.
I am sensitive to others needs.
I am putting on my big girl panties and being tough.
I am not moving furniture all the time.
I am not shopping.
I am asking for help.
I am laughing.
I am only mildly obsessive.
I have incredible computer skills.

So here's the thing: If you see me talking to myself, just pat me on the back and say "Good job speaking it as though it is so"